Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*orders delivery*
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums