@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.

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@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@badAzz_mom

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

@DBMaxP

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

@momjeansplease

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

@GrantTanaka

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@PAPIKAIBITCH

SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?