Just gonna leave this here.
If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*
Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?