If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
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Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first