If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
me when I see my crush
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.