Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

ATMs should have breathalyzers

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.