Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

every man in east london

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.