If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
A family that plays together cheats.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.