If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Meow
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting