if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
