If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”