If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.