@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

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@dollfaceiam

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

@liv_thatsme

“THE CROPS ARE DYING!”

“NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THIS DROUGHT!”

me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)

@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@ZAKagan

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

@radtoria

I have lost a fiancé and a baby and a dog and I am just so tired of having things taken away from me. Please for the love of god, go do something nice for someone today to restore the balance in this world just a little. Life is too short and precious.