If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
the noise i just made
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit