If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how