If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police