If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
You Might Also Like
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above