Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.