Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

$4 #usedbooks

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer