If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare![]()
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.