If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
u spoke cat all this time??????
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.