If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
All set.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.