If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”