Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

I can also cook 😂

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer