If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend