If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.