If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
i choose….tongue
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else