If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
They’re really bad with fonts.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.