If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
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Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars