Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

i was dropped as an adult

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

They grow up so quick

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Every work call, he judges.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.