If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
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Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic