if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
