Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

What the hell is going on?

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.