If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.