If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Snack for election night!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.