Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.