It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL