If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Put this video in the Louvre
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.