If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You Might Also Like
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age