If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?