Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

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The Chosen Phew

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.