If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
What
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”