If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…