If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I drew y’all a little something.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Noah
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
best first i’ve ever seen
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.