Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

I’m awake but I object,

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?