If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners