Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water