@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

@Cheeseboy22

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

@_elvishpresley_

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

@kimtopher22

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

@RoastedPapad

2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.

@Darlainky

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

@rolldiggity

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.

@daemonic3

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@mommajessiec

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.