If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits