@JasonLastname

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

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@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@AGreaterMonster

I just ran for the train so I think I’m good on running for a couple years.

@kateashlynryan

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

@ohpegah

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

@bacon_gillepic

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

@VaultsOpen

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.

@davidkenny100

When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example