If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?


This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.


IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do


Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?


2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.


I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.


1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.


[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]


It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.


[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.