Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

The symmetry is uncanny.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero