If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”