If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
mom had nothing to worry about
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Voting for coroner
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
🍂🕷️🍂
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s