Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

sensitive skin

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!