If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
🤣🤣🤣
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.