If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume