Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!