If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
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Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Good dog. ❤️
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Every work meeting this week
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?