If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
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Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
yes… yes…
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.