Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

the composer

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle