If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?