If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]