Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.