If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.