If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them