If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.