If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.