Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Selfie

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.