Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

🥃

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.