Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.