If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I have questions??
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.