Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?