If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face