Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things