Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Not today, today.
Not today.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Help Wanted

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Anyone want a chair?

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn