If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
R.I.P.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?