If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.