If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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(2022)
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…