Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!